It’s just gone past 12pm now so it’s Thursday. I’ve had a shitty week, i have been shutting myself in my room for days and isolating myself which I know i shouldn’t do but i don’t have the energy to see or speak to people. I want to lift others up and be a positive person I guess but I can’t be like that when I feel like this so I lock myself away to save everyone else my burdens.
I can’t be positive when I’m in such a terrifying mindset but there are some positives i can take out of this week
On Sunday i had a driving lesson for the first time ever, not from an instructor but with a family member and they said how well I did and that I seemed confident. I really enjoyed it and I’m going to carry on with driving lessons, I am so anxious that I will be starting with an instructor soon because it’s someone I don’t know, this is something I really want to do though as I know it will get me out of the house more. After my driving lesson I went to my family’s house for dinner and my anxiety and mood was so intense, I didn’t want to be there and kept disappearing upstairs. I wanted to see my parents but that was it, there were more people there and it got to much for me.
A few days ago, I went to the shop and bought food and sat in the park for a while to get some sun. At first I was fine, but after about 45 minutes of being out I started to feel really disossiated and paranoid. When this happens I just go so quiet and can’t really speak. It triggers panic attacks to which I can deal with, I have learnt how to try and hide them. It’s fucking hard because I can hardly breathe so I’m trying to catch my breath and I can’t speak but I literally try so hard to hide it and mask it. I used some coping mechanisms whilst it was happening which did help a little and eventually I started to feel better again, but it’s just that feeling I get after. It still feels like I failed, it feels like I went out but didn’t really achieve anything because I didn’t get to enjoy it or experience it. My mental health just takes over sometimes when I leave the house and it’s the only thing I can think about because it takes over me. It’s not as easy as just controlling it because sometimes it is really out of my hands. It makes me not want to leave the house again because I feel like it’s going to happen every time I step out of that front door and it’s taking over every part of me. It’s shattering.
Sure I went for a driving lesson on Sunday and then went to the shop the day after, but apart from going out for a couple of hours in the day when I got back to the flat I would just shut myself in my room again and isolate myself. I know these are achievements and I managed to get out but I’m still so empty staring at these walls. I’m alone. I sit in my room alone and it’s all my fault because I am to anxious to be around people right now.
A couple of days ago I went for a picnic in a field next to the woods, this was the first time in days I felt happiness. It was only for an hour or so but that was such a huge relief for me because I haven’t felt that much haphpiness in days. My anxiety wasn’t so bad and it wasn’t to busy, there were a couple of dog walkers but everyone was so friendly, maybe because the sun was out lols. That was something I felt proud of because I forced myself out and actually enjoyed it:’)
TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE
Even though I went out a few times this week, I felt like I have achieved nothing. It’s so hard to feel like you’ve achieved things when your in a constant state of panic and depression. On the days I did go out, but then came home and on the days I didn’t go out I just got into bed and didn’t want to be around anyone. I guess I haven’t seen the point in anything, like I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed but I haven’t been as active on twitter or instagram because then I keep thinking what’s the point, I have been telling myself everyday I need to get up and do things or atleast shower literally anything but then I think what’s the point. I keep telling myself I need to eat healthier and do some exercise but then I don’t end up doing it because I think what’s the point. I keep wanting to do things and trying to stay productive or do things that i know will make me feel better but then I just don’t end up doing it because I’m thinking what really is the point because it’s like I’m already dead. I know that people will say there is a point and one day I won’t feel like this but right now when I don’t even feel like I have a life that’s worth living or seeing any kind of future it’s kind of just like ok well im completely alone and pretty much i don’t see myself living for much longer, so really is there any point of any of these things? and i know that this is a main symptom of BPD and depression and things will pass, but i just don’t know how. I’ve felt so empty and things have felt so pointless for a long time now. It feels like I’m putting effort into so many things but for what? Because I keep thinking about death. I’m not going to act on it, but i wish I could just click my fingers and not be here because I already feel like inside, that I died a long time ago. I feel like my life really ended a long time ago and if my life is over then why am I still trying.
Today has maybe been one of the worst days I’ve had this week. I actually forced myself to do an at home workout earlier for 20 minutes but then just felt like shit afterwards. So many people say that working out helps you more mentally but I just end up in pain and even more ill than i was before, because my body is constantly in a state of exhaustion. I want to be that person who can workout every other day eat healthy, be healthy and spread positivity but I can’t even do a 20 minute workout because of my fucking weak pathetic body. I stayed in bed for the whole day after doing a 20 minute workout. I’m fucking sick of this body. I just want to be a happy positive person that people like being around but I am the complete opposite, clearly. After most people workout they say how good they feel how much it changes their life and their endorphins are flowing ect and when I workout I just end up in pain for 2 days, all over my body and my chronic fatigue gets worse which makes my mental health worse. It’s like I’m trapped. I can’t see the point in life when I can’t even do a simple bit of exercise without feeling like this.
For all the time I’ve spent in this room I have felt so alone, isolated and have kept thinking about ways to end my life, like I said i won’t. I don’t have the guts to, but I wish I did.
I’ve achieved so much this week but I’m so mentally ill and taken over by BPD that I can’t even look back on it and enjoy it because everything else takes over my mind. I wish I could think differently but I can’t. This is an illness I can’t just switch it on and off. I’m trying so hard to better myself but I am still struggling. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing and I’m still ill. I have always had hope that over time I would be able to manage my feelings and BPD more but it’s so hard because I am losing hope. Living with BPD is so empty and I don’t think anything will ever be able to fill me up. I have temporary happiness which fades away after a couple of hours. I have so many hopes and positive thoughts that I can stick to things and I just slowly give up on them. I keep hope that my life is going to change somehow and I will feel happiness but like I said the only happiness I seem to feel is temporary. I’m up and down like a yo-yo 24/7. One hour I feel like my whole life is going to be amazing and I’m full of hope then the next hour I’m thinking of ways to end my life because I’m so empty and lifeless. How am i meant to change feeling this way or thinking differently or being kinder to myself because I have been this way since I can remember and it’s only getting worse the older I get.
I’m sorry this has been a negative post and I don’t even feel better after writing it so I don’t know if I’m going to publish it. I just feel numb and empty and really needed to reflect on this week so I can get it out of my system, but I don’t even think that has worked for me.
I’m just so sorry I can’t be a positive person for anyone, i wish that I was different. I wish that I was stable and didn’t have to feel such intense feelings all the time. It’s killing me.
I can’t be positive when I’m in such a terrifying mindset but there are some positives i can take out of this week
On Sunday i had a driving lesson for the first time ever, not from an instructor but with a family member and they said how well I did and that I seemed confident. I really enjoyed it and I’m going to carry on with driving lessons, I am so anxious that I will be starting with an instructor soon because it’s someone I don’t know, this is something I really want to do though as I know it will get me out of the house more. After my driving lesson I went to my family’s house for dinner and my anxiety and mood was so intense, I didn’t want to be there and kept disappearing upstairs. I wanted to see my parents but that was it, there were more people there and it got to much for me.
A few days ago, I went to the shop and bought food and sat in the park for a while to get some sun. At first I was fine, but after about 45 minutes of being out I started to feel really disossiated and paranoid. When this happens I just go so quiet and can’t really speak. It triggers panic attacks to which I can deal with, I have learnt how to try and hide them. It’s fucking hard because I can hardly breathe so I’m trying to catch my breath and I can’t speak but I literally try so hard to hide it and mask it. I used some coping mechanisms whilst it was happening which did help a little and eventually I started to feel better again, but it’s just that feeling I get after. It still feels like I failed, it feels like I went out but didn’t really achieve anything because I didn’t get to enjoy it or experience it. My mental health just takes over sometimes when I leave the house and it’s the only thing I can think about because it takes over me. It’s not as easy as just controlling it because sometimes it is really out of my hands. It makes me not want to leave the house again because I feel like it’s going to happen every time I step out of that front door and it’s taking over every part of me. It’s shattering.
Sure I went for a driving lesson on Sunday and then went to the shop the day after, but apart from going out for a couple of hours in the day when I got back to the flat I would just shut myself in my room again and isolate myself. I know these are achievements and I managed to get out but I’m still so empty staring at these walls. I’m alone. I sit in my room alone and it’s all my fault because I am to anxious to be around people right now.
A couple of days ago I went for a picnic in a field next to the woods, this was the first time in days I felt happiness. It was only for an hour or so but that was such a huge relief for me because I haven’t felt that much haphpiness in days. My anxiety wasn’t so bad and it wasn’t to busy, there were a couple of dog walkers but everyone was so friendly, maybe because the sun was out lols. That was something I felt proud of because I forced myself out and actually enjoyed it:’)
TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE
Even though I went out a few times this week, I felt like I have achieved nothing. It’s so hard to feel like you’ve achieved things when your in a constant state of panic and depression. On the days I did go out, but then came home and on the days I didn’t go out I just got into bed and didn’t want to be around anyone. I guess I haven’t seen the point in anything, like I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed but I haven’t been as active on twitter or instagram because then I keep thinking what’s the point, I have been telling myself everyday I need to get up and do things or atleast shower literally anything but then I think what’s the point. I keep telling myself I need to eat healthier and do some exercise but then I don’t end up doing it because I think what’s the point. I keep wanting to do things and trying to stay productive or do things that i know will make me feel better but then I just don’t end up doing it because I’m thinking what really is the point because it’s like I’m already dead. I know that people will say there is a point and one day I won’t feel like this but right now when I don’t even feel like I have a life that’s worth living or seeing any kind of future it’s kind of just like ok well im completely alone and pretty much i don’t see myself living for much longer, so really is there any point of any of these things? and i know that this is a main symptom of BPD and depression and things will pass, but i just don’t know how. I’ve felt so empty and things have felt so pointless for a long time now. It feels like I’m putting effort into so many things but for what? Because I keep thinking about death. I’m not going to act on it, but i wish I could just click my fingers and not be here because I already feel like inside, that I died a long time ago. I feel like my life really ended a long time ago and if my life is over then why am I still trying.
Today has maybe been one of the worst days I’ve had this week. I actually forced myself to do an at home workout earlier for 20 minutes but then just felt like shit afterwards. So many people say that working out helps you more mentally but I just end up in pain and even more ill than i was before, because my body is constantly in a state of exhaustion. I want to be that person who can workout every other day eat healthy, be healthy and spread positivity but I can’t even do a 20 minute workout because of my fucking weak pathetic body. I stayed in bed for the whole day after doing a 20 minute workout. I’m fucking sick of this body. I just want to be a happy positive person that people like being around but I am the complete opposite, clearly. After most people workout they say how good they feel how much it changes their life and their endorphins are flowing ect and when I workout I just end up in pain for 2 days, all over my body and my chronic fatigue gets worse which makes my mental health worse. It’s like I’m trapped. I can’t see the point in life when I can’t even do a simple bit of exercise without feeling like this.
For all the time I’ve spent in this room I have felt so alone, isolated and have kept thinking about ways to end my life, like I said i won’t. I don’t have the guts to, but I wish I did.
I’ve achieved so much this week but I’m so mentally ill and taken over by BPD that I can’t even look back on it and enjoy it because everything else takes over my mind. I wish I could think differently but I can’t. This is an illness I can’t just switch it on and off. I’m trying so hard to better myself but I am still struggling. I’m trying so hard to do the right thing and I’m still ill. I have always had hope that over time I would be able to manage my feelings and BPD more but it’s so hard because I am losing hope. Living with BPD is so empty and I don’t think anything will ever be able to fill me up. I have temporary happiness which fades away after a couple of hours. I have so many hopes and positive thoughts that I can stick to things and I just slowly give up on them. I keep hope that my life is going to change somehow and I will feel happiness but like I said the only happiness I seem to feel is temporary. I’m up and down like a yo-yo 24/7. One hour I feel like my whole life is going to be amazing and I’m full of hope then the next hour I’m thinking of ways to end my life because I’m so empty and lifeless. How am i meant to change feeling this way or thinking differently or being kinder to myself because I have been this way since I can remember and it’s only getting worse the older I get.
I’m sorry this has been a negative post and I don’t even feel better after writing it so I don’t know if I’m going to publish it. I just feel numb and empty and really needed to reflect on this week so I can get it out of my system, but I don’t even think that has worked for me.
I’m just so sorry I can’t be a positive person for anyone, i wish that I was different. I wish that I was stable and didn’t have to feel such intense feelings all the time. It’s killing me.
