My Mind Is My Worst Enemy (Trigger Warning - Self Harm)

It's been just over 2 weeks now that I haven't self harmed but I'm back in this mindset again.
I made a blog to distract myself so I'm going to write the pain away, I hope it helps. 

I feel very disconnected from myself today, like everything is cloudy. I can't really seem to feel anything apart from emptiness, pain & complete numbness. I'm shaking like a leaf & the world around me just doesn't seem real today.

It's a fucking shame when I don't even feel safe in my own home, not because of the people I live with (parents), but because I feel like a complete alien.
Dissociation doesn't make anything around me feel real, it makes me anxious & paranoid. I hate it. I had nightmares last night that someone was being possessed and trying to hurt me & now it's all I can think about, it's affecting my whole day. It's embarrassing even admitting the nightmare I had because it sounds ridiculous, but when you wake up sweating, shaking & your heart is beating so much you think you're going to die it's the worst feeling in the world. I already used to struggle with hallucinations and I still struggle with intrusive thoughts, so having nightmares brings it all back to me. I have been paranoid since I woke up thinking what if there is a demon in my house, which is stupid I know but when I was having hallucinations it was the worst time of my life, it felt so real & I was adamant that the thoughts were real. 
I just don't ever want to go back to that place again, it was like a living hell. I feel ashamed when I speak openly about hallucinations because they still seem to be very taboo. I hardly ever hear people speaking about it & it makes me feel completely alone. I'm sure more people struggle with it than we think but don't speak out because of the stigma. I didn't even tell my therapist at the time when I was having them because I was so ashamed, it's nothing to be ashamed of though. That's what I need to keep telling myself. 
No one deserves to feel extreme paranoia & scared every second of the day. No one deserves to sit at the dinner table with their family & feel like they are hearing voices so loudly that you can't even hear other people speak, no one deserves to feel like their worst fears are true & they are living in a nightmare. I still live my life in fear thinking the hallucinations will come back, I get so anxious about that happening that it's made me feel completely on edge. I haven't been hallucinating today & I haven't in months (touch wood) but the dissociation is getting to me & I feel paranoid about the nightmare I had.

I don't want to self harm, I don't want to have more scars on my body but I want control over how I feel, I want to feel relief and I want the pain inside of me to disappear, but I know it's not worth it in the long run.
If I didn't have this blog to write on right now, I know that I would be self harming. This isn't me saying writing is going to cure me & I'm never going to self harm again, but right now it is distracting me.
I still feel the urge & I don't know if I can stop writing because what if I do stop & then there's nothing left to distract me & then I give in to hurting myself. 

I just wish my life could of turned out differently. Did I do something to deserve this? Why me?
I just want the pain to end, but I don't know how to stop it. It's like wherever I go or whatever I do I just feel empty & alone. I don't know how to fill this void & being around certain people in my life just make me worse, even if it's just little digs here and there some people closest to me (not all of them) always make little comments about me. I am always made to feel useless, because I am. I am 23 and what do I have going for me? All I can say is I have mental illness, what do I bring to peoples lives? I can't do much for anyone around me because I feel so debilitated most days, I can barely leave the house anymore and college rejected me so now I don't even have a routine. I can't reach out to people in my life anymore because  I have been depressed & anxious for so long now that they are bored of it, I know they are & the fact my mental state has got worse and worse the older I get, people are becoming fed up of me. 
So really, what is the point?
I'm not getting anywhere in life, I disappoint people, I'm unhappy everyday & I'm alone but I can't do anything to change that because if I could, I would.
There is just no point to me, I am a tiny spec in the whole universe and it isn't enough for me. I don't fit in, I don't want this life, it's like I don't belong here. I don't care about myself & I don't care about my life.

I'm not going to hurt myself, this is just how I feel. I feel like this and think about 'what is the point in me' most days. Please don't worry about my safety, I just needed a place to vent.

I'm sorry