My weight has always fluctuated, since I was little I have been completely up & down with my weight. Even when I was really young before I was a teenager, it bothered me. I didn't dress really girly like everyone else between the ages of about 8-13, I was a tomboy & I was considered fat. I remember going swimming when I was 12 with people I was friends with at the time and someone pointed out in front of everyone that I had a fat roll under my boobs. I remember it like it was yesterday, everyone was laughing and asking me why I had that on my stomach. I know we were all just kids and maybe I should get over it, but the things that were pointed out to me when I was younger about the way I looked never really were a problem in my mind until other people pointed them out to me. I didn't notice my fat roll, I was 12. Why should a 12 year old girl worry about having a fat roll under her boobs? When I was about 8 years old, I was told by some other people I would never get a boyfriend because I'm ugly, I look like a boy and I'm fat. Two people were saying these things to me whilst I was sitting on my bike and I just remember them standing around me, laughing and just telling me how disgusting I am. I told them I was going to the toilet and I actually ran away. I didn't run very far, lol. I hid in my back garden for hours and no one knew where I was, my parents were looking for me, I could hear them out in the road shouting my name. I could also hear my 'friends' shouting my name, like they hadn't done anything wrong. My mum finally found me in the back garden crying and no one knew why I was upset, I didn't tell my parents what happened. I don't even think the people that said them things to me knew why I was upset, they probably just forgot, after all we were only 8 years old & kids most likely forget things quickly when it doesn't effect them, but it effected me in the long run. The same friends also pointed out hair I was getting on my body when I started puberty, even on my private parts because they pulled my trousers down, I was about 12/13 at the time, they pulled my trousers down because we drank some alcohol and I kept shutting my eyes, like passing out. They thought it was funny that I kept passing out/falling to sleep so they pulled my trousers down and my pants, my eyes were shut and I kept them shut, I was so embarrassed that they did that to me that I couldn't open my eyes for the next 10 minutes and just pretended I was asleep.
When I was about 13 I wore shorts/pyjamas and we were sitting outside, they noticed I had hair on the back of my legs at the top which they also pointed out in front of everyone.
I always think I need to let go of these bad memories, so many things were said about the way I looked when I was a child & a teenager, when I was still growing and my mind was still developing. It doesn't surprise me that now I'm an adult I am completely self conscious about the way I look and my weight. When I was around 13/14 I was told all the time I had a big nose, I looked like a boy, I was ugly, the list goes on.
I would spend hours in my room every night after school putting make up on and trying to make myself look better so the bullying would stop, I kept practicing makeup and as time went on I started wearing it more and more. I felt better about the way I looked, but the bullying didn't stop. People would laugh at my makeup, tell me I'm wearing to much. Still comment on my nose & call me ugly. I couldn't win. No matter what I did the bullying didn't stop & I've realised now I'm older its because when someone is a bully they are a bully, you can do everything in the world to change the way you look but the people who are bullying you won't change & you should never have to change yourself for anyone anyway. That's their problem, the problem isn't you. When someone is mean to you it isn't because there's something wrong with you, it's because it makes them feel better to put others down. Maybe it makes them feel like they are in power, or maybe they have low confidence and want to bring others down with them, maybe they get bullied by their own family or friends and take that out on 'easy targets' or maybe they are just a horrible person.
There are a lot of reasons why they could be doing it but none of them reasons make it okay.
I started to get cellulite, stretch marks and dimples when I was about 14/15, one day in the summer I went out wearing shorts and someone pointed out the cellulite on the back of my legs. Again this was in front of everyone. My best friend at the time laughed, throughout the day she kept bringing it back up and thought it was really funny. I would get called fat behind my back from my friends. I was told that people were calling me fat. Bullies aren't just people that you aren't close with, bullies can be people who are your best friends, if you have friends that join in with bullies and put you down in front of others and laugh at you they are not friends, what they are doing shouldn't be ignored just because you are friends and that was my mistake, I just ignored it because they were my 'friends'. Maybe this is why I am scared to make more friends, I'm scared of being bullied again. I can't start anything new without the fear of being bullied and the fear of making friends with people who are just going to put me down.
Since about 17 I pretty much stopped wearing shorts & I haven't much since, even now. I always wear baggy jumpers, jeans, leggings. If I do ever wear a skirt or dress I never have my legs out, I always wear black tights, even when it's absolutely boiling outside I won't wear anything that means I have to have my legs on show.
I have put weight back on since I was 18, I've put 1 and 1/2 stone on. Which is hard for me and has made my relationship with food even more difficult because I will binge and then I will not eat at all. I was obsessed with exercising for about a year and a half. I started working out in 2016, but then it just became so unhealthy for me and I just wanted to keep losing weight, I took diet pills, all different kinds. I took laxatives, I took those stupid fucking things that used to be all over Instagram like the 'teatoxes' and loads of other crap like that. I lost weight for a while but soon put it back on as all this toxic stuff I put in my body has completely messed up my metabolism. I don't seem to lose weight now no matter how much I exercise or eat healthy. All this horrible stuff I was putting in my body was making my mental health probably the worst it's ever been, but I didn't stop because I was so scared of putting on weight and being ugly and that no one could ever love me. I stopped taking any of that stuff on and off since October, I got to a point where I was done with it making my mental health worse, but then I went back to it because I would weigh myself, see I put on a couple of pounds and panic and cry. I would say I stopped completely around a month ago and I'm so glad I stopped. Laxatives, diet pills and supplements aren't the answer at all. They fuck up your body in the long run, they make you think you've lost weight but actually it's just a quick fix which makes it more addictive because then it's the fear of all the weight going back on if you just stop taking them, which makes you keep on taking them, they completely mess up your metabolism and your stomach to. Ever since taking them I have had so many problems with how my food digests and physical problems, I can't lose weight no matter how much I try. It's just not worth it. At all. I wish they were illegal.
I know were all different and were all on our own journeys but what I'm trying to say from all of this is, it's just not worth it and I'm only realizing this now at 23. It's not worth it completely damaging your body and your health and I know that's easier said than done. I know that completely. I genuinely think the only reason I did stop damaging my body was because my medication (sertraline) helped me a lot. I still have a really distorted view on myself, I still restrict food and I still worry about my weight everyday but I have come so far since where I was this time last year. I don't let it overtake my life now like I used to, even though I restrict I do eat junk food again now and I don't take laxatives or diet pills everyday just because I've eaten a meal, my mind was honestly just completely trapped in the idea that all food was bad and every time I ate I needed to do something to stop myself from putting on any weight from the meal or snack I just had. It really is a scary mindset to be in, it's like you want to stop but you can't. I can't believe how much it effected me because I felt so ugly and disgusting and what I cant believe the most is that people lodged these thoughts into my brain whilst I was growing up and I believed what they were saying was true.
I have learned it's okay to have cellulite, it's okay to have stretch marks and it's okay to have dimples !!
Anyone at any size can have cellulite and it's nothing to be ashamed of !!
The way you look is nothing to be ashamed of !!
Your size is nothing to be ashamed of !!
My whole life I have let people's opinions effect me, I have listened to it and believed what they are saying is true, but do you know what? It isn't. Peoples opinions aren't fact, they chose to be horrible because I was a push over and I never stuck up for myself because I was to sensitive, anxious and I hate confrontation. People's mean comments will never ever make any of us any less worthy, beautiful or amazing. The only thing it does is show how ugly they are on the inside.
I am loveable no matter what my size, or if I have dimples and stretch marks on my legs. I am loveable and you are to.
I love you ♥♡♥(ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*)♥♡♥
