Wednesday, September 19, 2018

My Mind Is My Worst Enemy (Trigger Warning - Self Harm)






It's been just over 2 weeks now that I haven't self harmed but I'm back in this mindset again.
I made a blog to distract myself so I'm going to write the pain away, I hope it helps. 


I feel very disconnected from myself today, like everything is cloudy. I can't really seem to feel anything apart from emptiness, pain & complete numbness. I'm shaking like a leaf & the world around me just doesn't seem real today.

It's a fucking shame when I don't even feel safe in my own home, not because of the people I live with (parents), but because I feel like a complete alien.
Dissociation doesn't make anything around me feel real, it makes me anxious & paranoid. I hate it. I had nightmares last night that someone was being possessed and trying to hurt me & now it's all I can think about, it's affecting my whole day. It's embarrassing even admitting the nightmare I had because it sounds ridiculous, but when you wake up sweating, shaking & your heart is beating so much you think you're going to die it's the worst feeling in the world. I already used to struggle with hallucinations and I still struggle with intrusive thoughts, so having nightmares brings it all back to me. I have been paranoid since I woke up thinking what if there is a demon in my house, which is stupid I know but when I was having hallucinations it was the worst time of my life, it felt so real & I was adamant that the thoughts were real. 
I just don't ever want to go back to that place again, it was like a living hell. I feel ashamed when I speak openly about hallucinations because they still seem to be very taboo. I hardly ever hear people speaking about it & it makes me feel completely alone. I'm sure more people struggle with it than we think but don't speak out because of the stigma. I didn't even tell my therapist at the time when I was having them because I was so ashamed, it's nothing to be ashamed of though. That's what I need to keep telling myself. 
No one deserves to feel extreme paranoia & scared every second of the day. No one deserves to sit at the dinner table with their family & feel like they are hearing voices so loudly that you can't even hear other people speak, no one deserves to feel like their worst fears are true & they are living in a nightmare. I still live my life in fear thinking the hallucinations will come back, I get so anxious about that happening that it's made me feel completely on edge. I haven't been hallucinating today & I haven't in months (touch wood) but the dissociation is getting to me & I feel paranoid about the nightmare I had.

I don't want to self harm, I don't want to have more scars on my body but I want control over how I feel, I want to feel relief and I want the pain inside of me to disappear, but I know it's not worth it in the long run.
If I didn't have this blog to write on right now, I know that I would be self harming. This isn't me saying writing is going to cure me & I'm never going to self harm again, but right now it is distracting me.
I still feel the urge & I don't know if I can stop writing because what if I do stop & then there's nothing left to distract me & then I give in to hurting myself. 

I just wish my life could of turned out differently. Did I do something to deserve this? Why me?
I just want the pain to end, but I don't know how to stop it. It's like wherever I go or whatever I do I just feel empty & alone. I don't know how to fill this void & being around certain people in my life just make me worse, even if it's just little digs here and there some people closest to me (not all of them) always make little comments about me. I am always made to feel useless, because I am. I am 23 and what do I have going for me? All I can say is I have mental illness, what do I bring to peoples lives? I can't do much for anyone around me because I feel so debilitated most days, I can barely leave the house anymore and college rejected me so now I don't even have a routine. I can't reach out to people in my life anymore because  I have been depressed & anxious for so long now that they are bored of it, I know they are & the fact my mental state has got worse and worse the older I get, people are becoming fed up of me. 
So really, what is the point?
I'm not getting anywhere in life, I disappoint people, I'm unhappy everyday & I'm alone but I can't do anything to change that because if I could, I would.
There is just no point to me, I am a tiny spec in the whole universe and it isn't enough for me. I don't fit in, I don't want this life, it's like I don't belong here. I don't care about myself & I don't care about my life.

I'm not going to hurt myself, this is just how I feel. I feel like this and think about 'what is the point in me' most days. Please don't worry about my safety, I just needed a place to vent.

I'm sorry



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Monday, September 17, 2018

Our Safe Space ♡




Hey!

Welcome to my first blog post whoever is reading this 💕 im so nervous to share this & I don't really have a clue what i'm going to write about every week, but I think it will get easier (hopefully lol)

I’m roxy, a 23 year old living with BPD, depression, anxiety, ptsd & chronic illness. My blog is going to be about mental health, physical health, lifestyle, photography & it will kind of just be like a little diary. I will most likely write about a lot of different things as my heads always filled with new ideas. My aim is to maybe even educate others on subjects that are still taboo. I’m not sure how but hopefully that will come in time, all the ideas I keep in my head I just feel a strong urge to write them down into words, hopefully one day i can help others or even spread awareness, especially about mental health, my mental illness & things that mean so much to me. 

My interests are photography, i also love makeup and writing, so i don’t have a clue how this blogs going to work out !!
I can never stick to one thing, so it might be a little all over the place, but this is me, my ideas, my thoughts, my views & my life.

I’ve been planning this for a few weeks now & I am so nervous but excited i'm finally going for it, yayyyyyy!
honestly I feel so lost in my life right now, i don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know how to express myself anymore & I just don't have a clue where im going to end up. I guess that's life though, unpredictable. well that's how my life is going right now anyway. so maybe this could be just what I need, a therapeutic distraction. 

I really hope you enjoy my posts, thankyou so much for stopping by 

Ê••á´¥•Ê”

My message of the day to you:

You are important
You are beautiful inside & out
You are inspiring
You are unique
You are amazing
You are talented
You are trying the best you can
You are going to see the light again
You are loved.




I love you & remember this is my safe space and it is also your safe space. it's my escape & it is also your escape. you are not alone 




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