Comparing Myself Online. Feeling Ugly & Insecure - Trigger Warning Disordered Eating

a lot of my self hatred has stemmed from the internet since i was a teenager progressing into an adult, i don’t necessarily blame the internet for my low self esteem but i definitely think it has taken a huge part. I guess it depends how often you use the internet, but for a lot of people the internet is a huge part of our lives & it has been a huge part of mine. Having constant access to social media growing up & in adulthood, feels like a very different source of entertainment than films or TV. When you’re watching tv & you see someone who is good looking, of course you think they look nice, but I think because there is a storyline to what you’re watching, you do get past that and im not saying the feeling of comparing yourself isn’t there, but I just feel like it’s not as bad as the internet, but that really does depend on what you watch because there are a lot of series I find myself comparing my life to. I guess we have unlimited access to the internet & it’s easier to just watch YouTube videos or scroll through social media at any time of the day but I feel like it comes at a risk because it is unlimited, to much of anything can become bad for us and when you are on the internet all day & night at that point, it has pretty much become your life. It’s something you are taking in constantly and your brain becomes reliant on it. In a way the internet, tv & gaming are very similar, they are all screens (obviously lols) but they are things that we take into our psych everyday and a lot of the time it’s just habit, it’s not really something we are aware of all of the time, but it is effecting the way we think & how we view the world, life and others. 

i would always think why don’t i have a good life like the youtubers i watched, why am i not as pretty as these instagrammers that i follow. so i tried my hardest to look better so i could be ‘up to standards’ or even be accepted in society. it still effects me now & i want to be honest about that, but it’s not just the way i look, it makes me think what is wrong with me? why am i not as funny as them, why am i not as outgoing as them, why am i not as good as them. In a way I guess I looked up to a lot of people on the internet, but i was constantly comparing myself & my life to theirs. So really was it good for me to look up to them? I’ve learnt a lot from youtubers, but there kind of lies the problem. You rely on these people to learn so many different things, but they aren’t always things that are forfilling, it definitely helped in the moment to distract me from my thoughts like a lot of entertainment, like a distraction from feeling alone or my thoughts but then I would watch a vlog of a group of friends going somewhere amazing and if anything that would make me feel even more isolated, because i wish i could have the life they had. I think it’s amazing for successful youtubers to have these amazing lives because they worked hard for it, i don’t think badly of them or dislike them but the whole point I’m trying to make is when you are constantly watching someone else’s amazing life unfold online you start to question your own life and think ‘why don’t i deserve a life like theirs?’ In a way, I guess you feel left out, kind of like you are less than other people because they have such an amazing reality & you feel like you don’t. You feel left behind and forgotten about, because you see these people who are living so amazingly but also, they are so loved and appreciated by everyone and you start to think ‘maybe if i change these aspects about myself people will like me too.’ and it hurts my heart that younger me felt that way and sometimes still does.

When I was younger, I didn’t really start using the internet until I was 12. I got a laptop for my 12th birthday and i literally cried and jumped up and hugged my parents i was so excited! But I never really used the internet much before that, only at primary school for school work and for games, but never for social media. I never really cared about the way i looked until I was 12, i was a chubby tom boy and makeup and clothes just didn’t really interest me, it’s confusing to explain I guess but from being born to the age of around 7, my mum would dress me up in really girly clothes and dresses but then when I got to 8, as i had more of a say in what I wore I didn’t really care about dresses or girly things I just wore what I felt comfortable in and I was most comfortable being a tom boy. I’m not sure if that’s a good term to use, it was used when i was little but i don’t really like it for myself, i guess what im trying to say is i just wore whatever made me comfortable because i didn’t really feel like a boy or a girl i just didn’t care or really have the awareness of what gender i was being a child that felt non existent for me. I just knew i preffered the tom boyish clothes because i felt comfortable in them.

When I got to 12, i did start to become more conscious of the way i looked because i spent the last 5 years being bullied for looking like a boy and being fat, i was a child. Why did anyone care what i looked like. And i guess that’s the most worrying thing about today, because if i was being bullied for the way i looked when the internet wasn’t a big thing in children’s lives, it scares me to think of what bullying must be like now especially for the way someone looks or how they dress or how much money they have. That is a lot of pressure for anyone to grow up in. 

Until I was 12, I didn’t really care but then things started to change after going through the bullying and being a fat child, I started high school and there was even more pressure for the way you looked, the Internet was being used a lot more and social media, i would talk to my friends on my laptop everyday and i would be using social media everyday. I was at this huge school where there were people who were older than me & they intimidated me, they are we’re older, popular and yep i was scared of them lol. I started to wear a little bit of makeup and eventually over the next two years i looked like a different person but I still don’t know if it was good or bad, i did feel a little better in the way i looked but i also felt like i wasn’t as good as others. I still got bullied through out school, for the size of my nose. I had a bump on the side so I was picked on for that, i was picked on for being to sensitive or shy and a list of things that I won’t really go into because i know that I’ve explained it before so it’s probably getting boring now, but getting bullied for your personality aswell as the way you look just adds more damage, i started to become really paranoid about myself and started to shut myself away in my bedroom. Eventually I decided to leave school, people found out i was mentally ill and that I tried to take my life, my friends fell out with me and it just felt like my whole world ended, I would cry in my room everyday and sit in the dark ignoring everyone. I couldn’t face people, I couldn’t face going into school, I couldn’t face being called weird or being called names anymore so I left. My childhood & the way I viewed myself was completely damaged, i had no confidence left in me. Eventually i started to gain weight again from being so depressed so my confidence just went down even more, people from school were still talking about me behind my back and calling me fat, I couldn’t really win. There was always something wrong with me, even when I shut myself away and hid myself i was still a laughing stock. 

From being in my room most days, I started to watch YouTube videos a lot more and Instagram was a brand new app (it feels like a life time ago!) I felt like it was such an amazing escape for me, I watched shaaanxo makeup tutorials, Jenna marbles and a few other YouTubers but it was that long ago I can’t remember maybe if I scrolled back all the way through my YouTube likes I could find out who! But after losing myself, it felt really awesome to have a distraction and it felt comforting for me, youtube felt a lot more simple back then & Instagram did to :’) the picture quality on Instagram was absolutely awful but the memories bring me so much happiness. 

Eventually after a couple of years, i started to go out more again but I was drinking more and doing more drugs & i wouldn’t really eat much. I lost a lot of weight, i went down to nearly 7 st and it kept getting lower and i know it’s stupid looking back on it now but I felt the best I ever felt in my life, so I carried on not eating, I carried on doing drugs but my mental health started to get so bad and my BPD was getting worse. Eventually but slowly I started to try to get better and my parents helped me with it, i went on medication and I tried to look after myself more but I kept relapsing and I kept coming off my medication and I was still obsessed with my weight. At this point, this is when YouTube, tumblr & Instagram became a lot more popular and I started to completely compare my life and the way i looked to them. I became more obsessed with losing weight, i would try to lose weight dangerously with diet pills and all kinds of things, i was damaging my body everyday, over exercising and i still never felt good enough no matter what my size was and I still don’t. It’s a battle in my head constantly, because social media has changed so much from then to now, there are so much more helpful accounts that make you feel better and try to uplift you but I still can’t help but feel like im nothing compared to everyone else and that’s noones fault, it’s my own. I don’t think i will ever like myself or the way i look but it’s confusing because at the same time if i am comparing myself to others and feeling all these bad things about myself then why at the same time, is there so many positives about the internet. 

I’ve made amazing online friends, I’ve shared my recovery which has helped me so so much. I found the mental health community when I was at my worst. I started my Etsy shop and so many amazing things have happened from the internet, but still nothing i do feels good enough. I still don’t feel like a good enough person, I still feel less than others, my self esteem is still bad but I don’t want to leave. The mental health community is one of the places in my life where I actually have felt accepted, it helps me to feel so much less alone, it helps to distract me from a lot of things going on in my head, it gives me a sense of relief knowing I can atleast try to raise some kind of awarness or that I can vent, so I don’t want to leave. I know I have bashed the internet a lot in this post, but at the same time the internet in the last few years has been one of the best places for me so i just hate the fact that it effects me still, i wish everyday that it didn’t. I also don’t want to be an envious person or to hate myself everyday because I don’t feel like I’m good enough, i don’t want to be negative I just want to be uplifting and to help make others to feel uplifted but especially over the past few months i feel like i haven’t been able to do that. I hate how much I care about what others think of me, I hate that I am scared to be myself because i might not be good enough for someone else. 

I don’t really know where this post is going, it’s just me venting and moaning. i don’t really know how anyone can listen to this lmao, but i guess it’s better than holding it in. 

I’m so sorry for such a negative post, I think maybe in time i will get used to using the internet in a healthy way, but maybe that has to start from working on myself from within, like I said before it’s noones fault. But I have so much insecurities from my childhood and disordered eating, which i need to work through somehow, the internet can be so triggering for body image and self esteem so maybe it is normal to feel this way im not really sure. But i know that I just have to find a way to work on this somehow so I can just find myself again, that’s hard with BPD but there has to be a way. 

Thankyou sooo so much for listening, I’m sorry if this is me just rambling on i feel kinda stupid but I guess the best thing to do is to talk otherwise I can never work through it. If any of u guys ever feel like this to, i just want u to know you are NEVER alone, i am right beside you. Constant self doubt, low self esteem and feeling like a failure is so stressful to live with, especially with so much pressure from the internet, and watching people’s lives progress constantly when you feel so behind, but i just want you to know that you are all amazing people that have achieved so much just by surviving, I love how unique you all are, I love that you stand up for things you believe in & you speak your truth. You guys inspire me everyday to be a better person & you teach me so much, i have learnt more than i ever have since being in the MH community and it’s changed me for the better. you are all so accepting, uplifting and are a ray of light in so many peoples lives & i just don’t want any of u to ever feel like you’re not enough, bc you really are more than enough. maybe this is something i need to remember for myself to, but we are all human and we are all equal, no matter where we are in life or how far we are in recovery, or what we do for work or how much money we have or the way we look, because if you took all them things away we are all still just human & the internet doesn’t define how worthy we are. you are worthy because you are a human surviving & trying your best to get through each day & i am so proud of you. i love u guys so so much & you are so loved 💕

Art/pictures are by: 

@positive.plants

@abbiepaulhus

& i am not to sure who the other art is by but if u know pls let me know below & i will credit them <3 thank u loves <333

i am struggling with my mental health. lockdown 5 . 5 . 2020

i didn’t go bed until 6am this morning, each day my sleeping pattern is getting worse. i woke up at 11.30 today but just went back to sleep again until 2.30. I didn’t want to be awake, it’s hard to see the point. Losing my sense of routine, not being able to see anyone, not having to do anything basically was my idea of peace before this lockdown but now it’s come to it, having nothing to look forward to or even just seeing people again when this is all over or anything atall i have lost all my motivation to bother. In my head everyday I wake up & think what is the point in doing anything because I don’t have to & that isn’t a good place for me to be in. I have to have some kind of sense in routine otherwise i fall back further in my recovery and im not going forward.

Before lockdown i was weirdly in a okay place, i was going out more than usual, me and my family started to get on well again, i was eating healthy, i was having my driving lessons, i was taking my meds at the same time everyday, i was getting ready more often for the day ahead. I was actually doing okay in my recovery, even though I’m not 100% there i was doing better than I have in years, I can’t believe i actually started driving lessons and got half way through them. I think I would of been close to passing my test now, it’s okay though I’m keeping hope that I can carry them on when lockdown is over but that just leads me to what i want to speak about now..

I was doing well, driving lessons was like outside exposure for me in a way, which is something i haven’t been used to for a really long time, it pretty much was the biggest achievement i have made in years, which yeah makes me feel like an idiot because I know it’s not that big to some people, but it is to me. It’s hard to accomplish anything with going to work or education, because for years I have struggled with leaving the house. I can’t actually remember if I’ve spoken to you guys about this before but I have had problems with leaving the house for years, especially on my own & especially where i live. It started off with me as a teenager being to scared to go outside because of my trauma, but then eventually it just got worse and worse and I avoided as many people as I could. Where I live, it’s a really traumatic environment for me. There’s triggers everywhere and I haven’t felt comfortable living here in years, it makes me feel stupid when i talk about it. I don’t know why I just find it so hard to talk about, but I guess I’m trying my best right now. Over the years, my fears from my trauma just built up more and more to the point where I didn’t leave the house much, my social anxiety got completely out of hand & it was hard for me to even step outside the front door, but I felt more comfortable going out in a place I didn’t live which confused everyone around me. If I got the train to somewhere with a friend, I could go out there, I would still have social anxiety but I could enjoy my day without constant triggers around me. All this did was confuse people, people thought ‘if i can go to certain places, then i can go out at home’ and honestly i didn’t understand it myself at the time so I couldn’t explain why. All i knew was i was so fearful of going out where I lived, i was to scared to even step outside my front door, but if I went to somewhere I didn’t grow up it was a lot easier for me. 

Over the past couple of years I’ve kind of just firgured it out more & do understand that aspect more of my life now. I am just constantly avoiding triggers here, which yeah maybe this is going to sound bad but I don’t think I should have to be around them. They put me through extreme amounts of stress, stress I can’t actually put into words & i don’t think i should have to just get used to them because I live here. My therapist tried to get me to go out more here, tried to get me back in education and work because she thought that was the answer, but again i wasn’t being listened to. When I started exposure therapy, she sent my support worker over one day when I wasn’t expecting a visit. Someone was knocking at the door and I didn’t answer. It wasn’t arranged & another thing with my social anxiety is it’s important for me, for things to be arranged and not be caught off guard because being caught off guard sends me into panic and often panic attacks because I couldn’t prepare for it. I guess if I prepare for it, I can control it more in a way. It’s like my therapist didn’t respect my boundaries in a way, she would put me in uncomfortable situations, which I don’t know is that what therapy is meant to be? But personally I don’t think therapy should be something that causes you more mental distress and trauma. My therapist rung me the next day, after arranging an unexpected visit with my support worker. I picked up the phone and straight away I could tell she was pissed off with me. Her whole attitude changed and you could hear the anger in her voice. She kept asking me why I didn’t answer the door to my support worker, i felt like an idiot, i felt humiliated and ashamed to be like this and she kind of just made me feel like I couldn’t be honest because of that so I lied to her and said I was in the shower and didn’t hear anyone knocking. She then laughed and said “how can you not hear anyone knocking, you don’t leave the house roxanne” she started to say other things like “i don’t think you are bothered about getting better” & she kept proceeding to make me feel humiliated by saying “you don’t go outside or leave the house”. I know it doesn’t sound that bad, but it was the way she was saying it, it was hurtful because I felt like she was mocking the fact i can’t go outside & tbh it was like that everytime i saw her, she would make me feel uncomfortable about my mental health problems and she made me feel like i was a loser and a waste of space. That’s genuinely how I felt and I can only put it into words how she made me feel, I can’t show anyone, I can’t explain it any better but the anger in her voice when I got that call has just made me feel like shit, even to this day. She never went over my trauma with me, she put me in uncomfortable situations even though i explained my boundaries to her. She treated our therapy sessions like a joke and wondered why I couldn’t co operate with her. 

Anyway, I’m going off on a bit of a tangent here. But the point im trying to make is. I wasn’t ready to just jump into work & education and to just live a abled life, how could I just switch off years of trauma and years of finding my own way to deal with that trauma just because a therapist wanted me to. It doesn’t work like that, when you have so much going on inside your brain, when you have chronic mental illness you don’t just get over it because a therapist wants to throw you back into work and put you in uncomfortable situations, if anything all that does is put patients like me off because it makes me realise how much people don’t respect my boundaries and they don’t even want to try to understand. 

Im not diagnosed with agoraphobia, so it’s a mystery to me what this actually is. maybe it’s a part of ptsd im really not sure, it’s confusing to say what it actually is when I don’t know, but I have never got the right treatment or help for it and because I’m to scared to go out a lot of the time people think I’m “not trying to get better” when that is so far from the truth. People want me to get better in their way, they have these ideas for me but they aren’t listening to my boundaries and they aren’t listening to how I cope. I haven’t met that many people in real life (especially MH professionals) who have respected my boundaries with recovery in that sense, even family members have tried to get me out to help to look for work and taken me out literally during a panic attack and think it’s going to make me better when they can see how much fear I have inside me. What they don’t realise is all it’s doing is making me worse, I need help with getting to the route of my issues, I need to be listened to and not just forced to do what they think is best, i need to go at my own pace because it always ends up with them being angry at me. I won’t do things that put me in mental distress because I’ve had enough of it and I don’t understand why people think forcing me into distressing situations is going to help me to get better. 

The thing is, I’ve tried explaining to people what I think is best for me and they don’t want to hear it because they don’t care enough about my trauma, they just want me to work and be a functioning human and don’t realise I have years upon years of trauma and distress that I need to go through, it hurts to be treated like your whole mental state doesn’t matter & the only thing that matters to them is to just be like how they want you to be. 

For the first time in years, driving lessons were my own choice. They were something I felt ready for and I did in my own time and it felt right. I finally felt like I had more control and I was being exposed to a small fraction of being functioning, but it was something i was comfortable with. It didn’t put me in mentally distressing situations, my driving instructor was amazing and actually listened to me and when I did panic she sat with me and told me it’s okay, when I made the smallest achievements of being able to just drive through town she would be so positively uplifting and she would say to me it’s a huge achievement not a small one and I genuinely believe that when you are ready to do something & you aren’t forced to do it, it will be a lot easier, you will feel a sense of security. For the first time in a long time, I have actually actually put my trust in someone because she took everything slowly and constantly reassured me we could go at the pace I needed. I wasn’t thrown into the deep end with unsafe situations & eventually, when we drove to new places where I lived. They were places that used to trigger me to the point I couldn’t breath, but before I knew it i was driving through them & the reason why I felt like I could get through that was because I trusted my driving instructor because she always respected my boundaries. She constantly reminded me that if at any point I feel uneasy we can take a step back or do whatever I’m comfortable with and that’s how you help someone living with mental illness. When you are patient with them, listen to them and don’t force them. I was getting more and more comfortable driving in different places where I lived, sure i was anxious and a few times felt panic but for the first time in a long time i was ready to battle it. I knew I could do it and each time it was becoming more and more easier. 

It may of been slow and took a while for me to feel more comfortable but i was truly getting somewhere with my driving and i hope that i can go back to driving again when lockdown is over and everything has gone back to normal again. It’s hurtful to think that people trained in mental health never really knew how to help me properly, but my driving instructor who isn’t trained in mental health helped me more than a mental health professional ever has, it is hurtful but i am also grateful that I found someone for the first time in a long time who i could trust, it’s a relief for me and has given me hope again.

The first few weeks of lockdown I was doing okay, I felt in my recovery I was actually doing well for the first time in years but as the weeks go on I feel like I’m more and more anxious to go back to normal life again, i find myself becoming kind of avoidant again even with my family and it’s scary for me because I don’t want to get worse. I had come such a long way with my driving lessons and for me that was huge because it was like being exposed to the outdoors but at my own pace and I felt like i was able to manage that and that is huge progress for me, honestly it just sucks because lockdown came at a time where i was finally making progress but now the effects lockdown are having on me, it’s making my social anxiety worse again. I really want to carry on my lessons when all of this is over and touch wood that i will, but at the same time i am petrified because not seeing anyone is sending me back into a place where i don’t feel like i want to see anyone when this is over. My family try and get hold of me and ive started to become really distant, I feel guilty but I feel socially anxious even to talk to my own parents and now I keep having intrusive thoughts that im never going to see them again because i am to anxious to see anyone. I know it’s just a blip, but it’s hard not to feel so low, I feel so alone but in a way i guess I’m getting used to that and the thought of just seeing people again is sending me into a panic. 

My sleeping routine is becoming so bad as the days go on, ive lost my motivation for a lot of things and I am becoming avoidant. The last couple of days I’ve been dissociating and felt like im kind of losing touch, i just feel disoconnected in a way and this really isn’t good for me. It’s like there’s two parts of my head, one telling me this is just a blip and everything will turn out okay and the other telling me im going to end up even worse and more ill than i used to be, but i know the bad thoughts are just intrusive and that’s what my mental health wants me to believe, so im trying my hardest to fight against that. 

I know for everyone it’s so hard, but the stress of everything just seems to be getting worse each day, even the little things that probably just make me sound so ungrateful, but I don’t have a toaster, i don’t have a fridge freezer, i have a mini fridge in the kitchen, which if it wasn’t hard enough buying food the mini fridge makes it even harder because i can only fit like 6 things in there. The majority of the food from food shops, i have to buy for the cupboard which isn’t much choice to actually get anything healthy and my health is important to me more now than ever. When the food is put in the fridge, not everything that is meant to be kept in the fridge can actually fit in there, so we just end up leaving it on the side but it goes off within a few days so it doesn’t last. I just needed to vent that, because if we had a fridge freezer our food would last longer and life would atleast be made a little easier, i am grateful to have a roof over my head but it is hard not to be this stressed when you don’t have much money and everything just seems to be going wrong. There’s also mold in our bedroom which i think is making me more ill than i already am, thankfully the weather is warmer so it’s got better but it worries me breathing this in everyday and it’s stained the whole wall. I don’t have the money to just fix these things, I don’t even have the money to keep buying food that lasts for a couple of days let alone to buy a fridge freezer when they cost 100s of pounds. 

I keep having nightmares to which is another thing to add to the mix of stress, thankfully it’s not at the top of my worries but they really don’t help. I just wish i was more mentally stable so I could deal with stress more, i thought at the start of lockdown because I was in a better place that i was going to be okay but im just getting worse & worse each day and it’s scary for me. It’s like something I can’t even explain because i don’t know what’s causing me to get worse, but i think it is just everything at once and I am struggling to find a way to cope.

TW SELF HARM & SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Life is really getting on top of me & i know lockdown is hard for everyone, i know this is effecting everyone’s lives so badly but I guess i just never expected it to get this bad. It’s like everyday things get worse or there is a new problem and if im completely honest i have been so close to self harming again, i haven’t given into it yet & i am praying that i don’t because i have come so far but i keep thinking of it everyday and i keep planning ways in my head on how i could just end this. when i feel ill with my physical health, i secretly hope that it will just get it done and over with and kill me. I feel like im heading back down that dark road again and it’s really distressing for me because ive been in recovery and relapse so many times in my life, when is it just going to end? I know I was bad before lockdown, but things in my life weren’t as dark as they are now, my life had hope in it again and it had light in it and now with each day that goes by all i see is the dark & im not sure what is causing this. i know it’s everything that’s happening, i know it’s because im not seeing anyone, im not having any distractions or any sense of routine but why can’t i just make a new routine which is temporary. i had one before all this happened so why can’t i do that again, im just sinking into a rut and it feels impossible to get out of it.

I tried to write a mental health diary the other day in my pusheen book, which i still haven’t started to fill yet but im going to & i hope this will help me in anyway possible. I started to draw each page that I wrote out to on my tablet to make them printable, so im going to print a lot of them off and fill them out each week & i guess this is a first step. If it can help me get into more of a routine again and to atleast distract me then i guess some good has come out of it. I’m not sure if anyone would be interested because there’s lots of sheets like this already in the world but if any of you have been feeling similar to me, or just need more of a distraction or sense of routine, when I’ve finished drawing them out on my tablet I will upload them to my social media so they are printable or I will print them for you online if you don’t have a printer so you can get them sent to you. Or if you would like to print them that’s totally fine! They are free I don’t want to charge anyone any money, but if you would like me to print them online to be sent to you, i hope it’s okay that I can’t afford to pay for printing but if you would like to pay for the printing you can. Of course you don’t have to do this, or might not even want to it’s just an idea and I hope you guys that do want some of these sheets have printers because I really don’t want any of you to pay for printing because it just doesn’t seem right because I just wanted to do this as something we could all do together, i don’t really know what my idea is i just really don’t want any of us to feel alone. If I have enough money at the time & you are struggling with money I will pay for the online prints so please please don’t worry about that. please let me know if you would still like some sheets even if you don’t have a printer, we will figure it out <3. I think the positive thing I can take away from this, is making these sheets is a good distraction & maybe it could be such an amazing distraction if we all done it together if anyone wanted to or just however you want to do it, we could totally share with eachother each week our achievements, what made us happy and I think in a way it would give us happier thoughts, i hope it would, but even if you wanted to just do it alone, that’s okay to!! even writing things down can be a huge task sometimes when we are struggling so there’s really no pressure just an idea i had <3. 

If you would like some sheets please send me a DM on twitter or Instagram or get hold of me in anyway you can & i will do what i can to help. 

I’m so sorry if this has been a long post of just me moaning and being negative, I know this is a really difficult time for everyone but today I just needed somewhere to vent where I could write out everything on my mind and honestly I’ve needed that for weeks but there is just never enough room to write all the things i need to say. It feels like I haven’t posted on here in forever, but right now compared to when I first started writing this post i actually do feel a little bit better & I think that’s because i got so much out that i was bottling up and I know that twitter is more of an interactive place than my blog but this time I just wanted to express myself fully, I didn’t really want to write a couple of short paragraphs because I feel like I can’t fully express myself, sure it helps but I have a lot to say so I think i am going to start using my blog more, I think it could help me. It’s kind of like therapy but just talking to yourself lol. 

I think I will try and upload on here more, i don’t really know why i stopped. It’s nice to just get everything out & to whoever is reading this thank you so much for listening, im not sure how you got this far but if you did hey :D lol! but also i am sorry if ive seemed negative or ungrateful in this post, i don’t want to bring anyone down because no one deserves to be bought down even more. But I do hope that if you have been feeling similar, that you atleast feel even a little bit less alone, because this is so hard as it is and no one deserves to feel alone, we all deserve support. 

I hope you guys know how - 

inspiring you are 

kind you are 

important you are

needed you are 

loved you are 

& i hope you guys know that you deserve happiness and hope and i truly mean all of this, it kills me to think that so many of us are struggling right now but i need you all to know how important you are to this earth and how appreciated you are.

thank you so much for reading, i love you guys & stay safe. i believe in you & i am proud of you

art/pictures are by @cynyassy on Instagram
& gif is by chibird
<3